Feel, Don’t Act

“Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly.” – Proverbs 14:29

I live alone, and for anyone who has ever lived alone you can probably recall a certain peacefulness that comes with it. Knowing that at the end of a very long day you don’t have to worry about giving any time, space or attention to anyone else. Sure there are times when you wish you had someone there to unload all the stressors of your day on, or to cuddle with, or to show you some attention, but I absolutely think its an experience everyone should have at least once, so you can truly get to know yourself. Now understand, I’m not saying that people who DON’T live alone are doing something wrong, or not having their own pleasant experiences being surrounded by their loved ones. I’d be remiss to say I don’t miss those who I’ve lived with before from time to time. But there’s something about having to rely on you and only you, even if it’s just for entertaining yourself, or preparing your dinner, or holding yourself accountable for your diet, that let’s you know what you and don’t like.

We are in an interesting time right now, those of us who live alone. And those who don’t. Why? Social Isolation. We have been mandated to distance ourselves from others, stay home and away from contamination. Kids are out of school indefinitely, parents are working from home, singles are forced to spend more time by themselves than they may like and families are up under each other a little earlier in the year and for much longer than they would usually like. Now I’ve been scowarging my social media (not much else you can do) and I must say that I am proud of the posts I’ve seen of people who are just LOVING all the extra time they get to spend with their families. That’s super commendable and I’m happy for you. But today’s entry is for the ones who aren’t enjoying it as much. That’s right, this is for those of you who are spending just a little more time with the folks you’re used to have some time away from. Things are probably a little more Annoying, a little more Frustrating, a little more Bothersome, and when you let those little emotions sit and fester… out comes a lot more Infuriating. And he’s on the warpath.

First of all, I’m here to tell you that you’re not alone. It’s perfectly normal to be Irritated by the closer proximity that what you’re used to. Don’t let anyone convince you that you don’t have a right to feel that way because you should be “grateful” to have them. We know you’re grateful. We know you love them. But we also know you’re human and humans need space. You need the opportunity to breathe air that is all your own and not have to answer 500 million questions from the curious 7 year old who recently discovered the Underground Railroad and wants to know why he can’t visit it. We all know you love your spouse, but you’re 5 seconds from ringing his neck if he steps over the socks he left in front of the couch he’s been sitting on all day. And we also know that there’s a highly contagious virus waiting for you outside and all the social spots have been forced to shut down because of it. So the luxury of personal space isn’t as readily available as you would like. Anger is fighting to come up and out and lash out at all the things making life so hard.

So what do you do? You can’t kill them, you’d miss them too much (and it’s morally wrong and against the law, but we know that). How do you keep Anger from making these hardly bearable times even more unbearable? Well the bible tells us that “whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly.” (Proverbs 14:29) But what does that mean? Simply put, it means you think before you act. Being slow to anger is about actions, not feelings. You are going to feel what you feel regardless of what you should do about it. So feel angry. Get mad! Don’t push that feeling down thinking it’s wrong to experience an emotion that God readily gave to you. But watch your ACTIONS. Be slow to act on that anger because it foolish to act rashly. Why? Because once you do it or say it, you can’t take it back. Words can be forgiven they can’t be forgotten, and actions are even harder to forget because sometimes they leave marks.

So how do we be slow to anger? We think. I tell my clients to think about three things. First, what was the intention behind the action of the other person? Were they trying to hurt you? annoy you? Make your life miserable? Did they wake up this morning and say “I think I’m going to make [insert your name here]’s life miserable today? Most likely not. And if they didn’t mean to upset you, how well placed is your upsetness? Second, think about what being Angry is going to do for YOU. Is it going to make you feel better? Is it going to fix the offense? In the long run no, because if you hurt someone just because you’re hurting all you’re left with is more hurt people. After you’ve thought about it and put Anger in it’s place, you’re better equipped to handle the situation. Finally, think about how you can best solve the situation. Nine times out of ten, it’s my favorite thing: communication. What can you say to the person making you angry or show them to let them know how they’ve offended you? What can you equip them with to not annoy you further? How can we fix this with the least casualties? After you think, then you can approach the problem and find the solution.

Consider intent, Assess for Anger’s success, Develop a solution, and then Communicate. Approaching that Angry situation this way has a much better chance of success than being ready to bash heads in. And on a parting note, be aware of your boundaries and don’t feel you have to compromise them for the sake of peace. This plan only works if there is enough respect on both ends to accept the error of ways and move forward in harmony. If when you go to communicate to your loved one they aren’t willing to change, be prepared to have to change either the way you’re communicating or what you’re communicating. The goal is peace, not one sided sacrifice. All in all, I pray peace and harmony in all your homes and safety during this Social Isolation period of our lives!