Not My Plan

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Happy Resurrection Day! This year’s Easter holiday looks much different than it has in years past. Families not able to gather for dinner, No Easter speeches on Sunday morning, No sunrise services and church gatherings with the finest of Easter fashion. I don’t know about all of you, but that makes me Sad, and even more than sad, I’m finding myself Stressed. Why am I stressed? It’s hard being the strong one. The one who’s keeping it all together and checking on everyone else. This pandemic has caused me to do mental health checks with more than just my clients, but also friends and family are leaning on me a little more for emotional and mental support as they navigate what social distancing, isolation, and quarantine actually means for them. People who know me to be level headed in a crisis have needed me to be level headed in their crises and in taking it all on… I took on too much.

On Wednesday I had a panic attack. I’ve had them before so I know when I’m having one, and like all the others that have happened before the underlying reason was the same: things weren’t following the plan. What plan is that? The plan for my life where everything falls into place and when it doesn’t I have the back up plan for that. I am a planner in what some consider the best, and others the worst, way. I like to process all the possible outcomes so that I can be prepared for the unexpected. It’s one of the reasons people rely on me, because when their world is going up in smoke, I’m ready with the fire extinguisher that I packed just in case. But on Wednesday nothing could have prepared me for a sister and her child being diagnosed, a man I love very much being diagnosed while battling pneumonia, and losing a dear and beloved friend and brother. I could plan for dealing with each of those separately but all three at once was more than I could handle. My body and my mind was STRESSED.

Stress is that strain or tension that can cause us to buckle under the pressure if we don’t handle it properly. Many wouldn’t even consider it an emotion because it’s not a feeling we respond to but I will tell you that Stress can bring out so many emotions that it gets an honorable mention, and therefore a seat at this table. Stress can cause us to lose sleep, not take proper care of ourselves and can evoke a physical response to an emotional load, just like it did with my recent panic attack. I was dealing with so much emotionally and mentally that my body snapped to get me back in order. Now there are many ways to deal with Stress but I’m going to break it up over the next few weeks to give attention to the different affirmations I tell myself.

When it comes to losing sight of the plan and losing control because of it, the greatest thing I can remind myself is that it’s not my plan. Being able to relinquish control over every situation to God, my higher power, means I don’t have to be stressed about the outcome. It’s not my job to worry about it. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11) God’s not going to let anything happen to me that He hasn’t already planned for. I have to believe that Jesus took that same comfort in God’s plan when he took that long march to Calvary with a cross bearing down on his back. As the people who once loved him spit at him and cried obscenities, and the people he trusted most were nowhere to be found. As he hung in the most excruciating pain and died, was his mind filled with panic and stress as what once seemed like a good plan seemed to be crashing and crumbling in his face? Or did he take comfort in “Nevertheless, not my will but your will be done”? We know how the story ends, and if it worked for Jesus who has faced and conquered death, I know God can and will do nothing less for me.

It’s not my plan, so if it’s falling apart it’s not my job to fix it. It’s my job to adapt to the changes and keep trusting that whatever is different now, it’s going to mean something better for my future. So as I sit, socially isolated for my sake and yours, I look forward to the days when we can all be together again, and I don’t have to stress because God’s got it, and He does not fail.