Get Even… or Move On?

“Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.” 1 Peter 3:9

I can remember a time I was having a debate with a friend. The conversation got a little heated because the subject matter was sensitive and before I knew it both of our voices were raised in passion and the way we were saying things had gone from political correctness to down right… well, Hurtful. Accusations of passiveness and insensitivity were being made. Dismissal of each others feelings was taking place. And then the most hurtful comment… “I don’t even know why I try to talk to you about this, you just don’t get it.” The shut down. The decision that there’s no value to the conversation, maybe even no value to the relationship, because we couldn’t agree, or even agree to disagree. I was Hurt.

Hurt people hurt people. I’ve heard this saying many times and it’s definitely a true statement. Think about a time when someone you love said something to Hurt your feelings and you lashed back out at them in a mean or Hurtful way. Why did you do it? You love this person. Why would you ever want to say or do anything to them to Hurt them? Why would you want them to feel pain? It’s not that you want them to feel Hurt, but that you want to make your own Hurt go away, and we try to tackle that in a couple different ways. One way, is we think that if we Hurt a person badly enough they will go away or stop the behavior. Another is we think that if we make them feel what we feel, then they will understand us better. And then there’s the plain old lashing out because we don’t understand or want to face our own emotions so we default to anger or aggression to mask pain and sadness. Often times it’s one of those. Sometimes it ends up being all of them. In the end, we Hurt others because we are Hurting, and we just want the pain to stop.

So how do we do that? How do we combat the instinctive behavior to Hurt as a response to Hurt? I have three simple to say, but not necessarily easy to do tips for you. First, remember that feelings are temporary, but words/actions last longer. The way you feel is internal and changes all the time, but what you put out into the world to be seen, heard, and felt by others… not so much. You can’t just take it back. So choose the energy you exude carefully. Second, you cannot control anyone else’s emotions or reactions. You may think that Hurting them will make them stop Hurting you or let them know how you feel, but what if it doesn’t? What if you get a bigger and stronger reaction than you’re prepared for? That could make for a bigger mess to clean up than you are ready for. And finally, remember that you are not in control of the final outcome. The Bible says “Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.” 1 Peter 3:9. Basically, God’s got it! It’s up to Him to change the heart of another and He controls the situation, so if you leave it in His hands the end result will be exactly how He designed it.

Hurt is like any other emotion: only you can control it. You might not be able to control how the Hurt comes to you, or even some of the Hurt you cause. But what you CAN control is your response to it. When someone Hurts you, give yourself room to feel it, but don’t let it cause you to Hurt another or even further Hurt yourself. Give it the room it deserves, but not the power it cannot handle. It can cause violence, vengeance, grudges, and turmoil, if we give it the reigns, and because we all know what Hurt can do to us, we can empathize with what it can cause others to do. Vengeance is mine, says the Lord. It’s up to Him to do the getting even and provide the consequences for actions. Don’t worry about making others understand you, work on understanding yourself and why you feel what you feel so you can move on. At the end of the day, you give power to what is allowed to Hurt you. Get even with yourself so Hurt can go away instead of in a vicious cycle.