The Right Words

“God replied to Moses, “I Am Who I Am. Say this to the people of Israel: I Am has sent me to you.” Exodus 3:14

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you were at a loss for words? Something terrible has happened to someone and you’re there, stuck, not knowing what you should say to them. You don’t understand what they’re going through exactly, because you’ve never experienced it for yourself, but you want to help and you’re afraid of saying the wrong thing. After all, your mother probably told you something along the lines of “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” when you were growing up, but you’re afraid that even silence might be the wrong choice. What do you do?

I don’t have too many instances like this of my own (I’m a bit of a talker, always have been, and I tend to search until I find the right words apologizing all along the way) but I have been on the other side of it. I’ve told you all before about my daily conquering of Anxiety and even my circle of confidants. But I’ll tell you, my circle didn’t always know exactly what to say to help talk me down from a panic. And I’ve had different instances where some have told me they didn’t know what to say to help. So today, I’m writing for those confidants who have been trusted with the care of someone else’s fragility, and may not have the right words. Everybody is different, and because of that so are their needs. Just like there are many wrong things to say to a person in panic or depression, there’s also no one right thing. So I can’t sit here and tell you what works for me and my circle, because it may not work for yours. So here’s a few tips to help you discover the best thing to say and do when a person is experiencing a bad bout with Anxiety.

First, encourage the person to breathe. The first thing to go when you’re panicking is a steady heartrate, so helping them to calm down by helping with their breathing is great. It can be as simple as mirroring the breathing you want them to do so they can see and remember the action, or it can be a gentle reminder of “hey, breathe.” Just make sure your actions don’t look or feel too aggressive. The last thing I know I need to hear when I’m fighting with myself to breathe normally is someone yelling at me to breathe.

Next, use gentle tones and encouraging presence, trying to get them to focus on the present. Studies and statistics show how helpful mindfulness can be to soothing the soul so try to get your person back to the here and now. You want to be very careful about not using words that could be triggering for them, so try to use as few as possible and do your best to be present with them.

These next few are for when the person is not in distress. Ask them what they need. Every person knows themselves and can tell you better than anyone else what they need when they are at their worst. Maybe they need to be held. Maybe they need to hear positive affirmations. Maybe they need to know they aren’t alone. But what’s better than guessing is knowing. So don’t be afraid to ask. Sometimes you can do this when they are in distress as well, but depending on how difficult it is for them to catch their breath, they may not be able to answer.

You also need to let them know what your limits are. Everybody can’t handle being a part of that circle of trust, and that’s ok. Be honest with them about what you can and can’t do and never over exert yourself. The last thing that your loved one needs is you trying to give them something you don’t have in you to give.

And finally, remember your purpose. It can be hard, being this person for someone else. Sometimes it can even be scary. But if that’s the role you’re destined to play, don’t shy away from it. Remember when Moses was called to free the people of Israel from Egypt. He was nervous about the job as well and wasn’t sure why anyone would trust him. God’s reply to that? “I Am Who I Am. Say this to the people of Israel: I Am has sent me to you.” (Exodus 3:14) If you walk in your purpose, God will equip you with the tools you need to handle it. So don’t be afraid! He’s with you, and the Anxious can feel his presence through you!

So learn what you can about how to best support your loved ones, and find the right words to give them. And remember, no matter what, to always give them love. I know you can do it!