Learning From Loss

“For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There’s no regret for that kind of sorrow…” 2 Corinthians 7:10

Everything happens for a reason. Do you believe that? Do you believe that every heartbreak, every success, every win, and every loss happens intentionally, by a design that is greater than your own? Many people, including myself, believe that for a few different reasons. One, it makes it easier to get through life not having to be personally responsible for every unexplained hardship you face. Two, it absolves you from feeling guilty when things go wrong, even though you did everything else right. And for me and many other believers, it means that God is in control of the outcome and I can put my faith and trust in Him and His infinite wisdom, instead of my own. No matter what your rationale behind feeling this way, I know one area where it can be especially hard: when we’re Grieving.

When we lose something that means so much to us it can be so hard to accept any lessons from the process. Why? Because it hurts. It hurts to lose a loved one, a relationship, a passion, a dream. And when something hurts we often want to just sit in that hurt until it doesn’t hurt anymore. But one thing sitting in the hurt isn’t going to do is resurrect whatever you’ve lost, and maybe (just maybe) learning something from it can prevent you from being so hurt again in the future. So how do we embrace those lessons in loss? I have a few tips that I think will help.

#1: Shift the focus from why to what. Often times we think about the “why did this have to happen to me/them” and those questions aren’t easily answered, if they’re answered at all. We won’t always know why someone got cancer, or why the good die young. We won’t understand why our job chose to lay off our department, or why we couldn’t find an investor when every other person with the same idea can. But if we shift our focus from “why did this happen” to “what can I take away from this” we stand to gain something positive from a negative situation. We’re less likely to make careless mistakes because we saw how someone else suffered from them, and we’ll improve our work performance at the next job. Maybe we’ll seek investors elsewhere or improve our business plan. Shifting focus allows us to grow in our grief.

#2: Make a Memorial. When we think about memorials they are usually done in celebration and remembrance. Sometimes we take time out to reflect and mourn, but there is so much success in doing something positive in honor of the memory. So make memorials of your losses and see how you can shift your interactions with them. I have a colleague who remembers fervently the day she was fired from her job. Every year she pays homage to that day because it’s the day she decided to go work for herself and now she has a successful practice and several other things she does, things she wouldn’t have been able to achieve had she remained at that job. So don’t be so quick to erase those grief stricken moments from your history, but cherish them for the growth opportunities that they are.

#3: Stop regretting the loss. Remember that everything you’ve ever experienced has made you who you are today. Every bruised knee, failed test, lost loved one, and grieving moment has brought you to the place you’re in right now. If you learned from them and make wise choices now as a result of every sorrowful tear you’ve cried, then you’re doing life right! The bible tells us “For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There’s no regret for that kind of sorrow…” (2 Corinthians 7:10) God WANTS us to learn from sorrowful moments and the grieving process. That’s why it’s a process and not a fleeting moment like many other emotional experiences we have. Those moments will cause us to draw closer to Him and lean on Him for understanding in ways we never thought we could. If it does that, He will bring us the peace we need to carry on.

So, my passionate, grieving readers, learn from the losses. And don’t feel guilty for doing so! We were not meant to spend our entire lives just sad for the people and things we’ve lost, but to grow up and glow up as a result of our experience. So keep experiencing and of course conquering daily. I love you, and I’m rooting for you!