I AM TRANSPARENT

“David and his men tore their clothes in sorrow when they heard the news. They mourned and wept and fasted all day for Saul and his son Jonathan, and for the Lord’s army and the nation of Israel, because they had died by the sword that day.” 2 Samuel 1:11-12

I don’t have to hide my true feelings to make anyone else happy.

Fine. Ok. Two emotions we have created to avoid talking about what we’re really feeling. Think about it. When someone asks you how you are, how often do you give a true, honest, thought out answer? And how often do you simply say “I’m fine/ok.”? My mother doesn’t accept either one when she talks to me. If she asks and I respond with either she is quick to reply with “Just fine? Just ok? What makes it that way?” And we have a more in-depth conversation about my feelings. But she knows me well enough to know there’s always more to it, and she cares enough to dig deeper and sit with me in my emotions. But we don’t all have my mother. And we get that question more often than not from so many different people in our lives. So think again about why you’re using “fine” and “ok” as the answer to such an exposing question. It boils down to trust. Can you trust the intentions of the person asking the question?

Now you may be looking at trust and intentions and now thinking about who is trustworthy in your life. And that does go for some of the people asking the question. Some folks just want to be nosy. Some folks don’t really care about the answer they just thought it rude not to ask. But there’s another group of people in your life this applies to. The people in you life you don’t think can handle the truth. Yup, those people. You know they love you, and you care about them too… but everyone isn’t capable of handling our truths. They aren’t capable of handling our sadness, or our anger, or frustration or grief. And they want to be able, but they just aren’t. So we mask. And we pretend to be better than we are, not just to spare ourselves the pain of someone not being able to truly help, but to spare the feelings of someone we love who isn’t as “strong” as they think they are when it comes to you.

And that sucks. It’s the most unfair thing. Why, when you’re in pain or suffering should you have to care more about what other people are going through? I’m here to affirm you that you don’t. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying don’t care about others. I’m saying don’t allow the caring about what others think affect you to the point of burring your truth. That doesn’t have to be your reality. In biblical times there were rituals for grief and sadness. People tore their clothes. And when you saw someone walking by with torn clothes you knew they were going through something and you gave them space to grieve. That tradition changed over time and in our more modern society we see people wearing black to signify grief and loss and mourning. But even that isn’t as traditional as it once was. And lets face it, some of the things that cause us to grieve or be sad aren’t received as “typical” things that require it. We don’t wear black when we suffer a breakup, or get passed over for a promotion at work… we don’t even pull out our black when we have a moment 6 months later after someone we loved had died. And since we don’t want to wear a sign on our chest that says “I’m not have the best day, leave me alone” we bury it. But I want to affirm you today and empower you not to have to bury it.

Affirmation 1: You can demand respect for your feelings. You get to feel how you feel. Period. And you don’t have to apologize for it. You don’t have to pretend you don’t feel it. You should always be mindful of how you treat others and the choices you make when you’re feeling, but that doesn’t mean you don’t get to feel. And you have a right to be respected for your feelings. Don’t let anyone tell you you shouldn’t feel something.

Affirmation 2: Not hiding doesn’t mean you have to share. Listen, just because you decide to tell the truth about your feelings, doesn’t mean you have to talk about it. Something my cousin says that I absolutely love is “my rage isn’t free” and he is adamant about only talking when he feels it’s safe to. If someone asks you if you’re ok, it’s perfectly fine for you to say “no, but I don’t want to talk about it.” That tells them all they need to know. Talking about your feelings when you’re ready is your right.

Affirmation 3: All in your own time. Being transparent doesn’t mean unlimited access to you or your feelings for anyone. You can take your time, feel out who you can and should trust, and share at your own pace. Don’t let anyone pressure you, even if they know you’re not saying all you could. It’s your story, tell it your way.

You don’t owe anyone a feeling or a mask. What and how you feel belongs to you and no one else. Don’t let the world pressure you into taking a stance you’re not ready to take. If you’re sad, be sad. If you’re angry, be angry. If you’re happy, be happy. Walk in it and own it for yourself. Don’t hide it and don’t give it away unless you want to and are ready. I love you, and as always, I’m rooting for you. Keep conquering daily.