I AM EMBRACING CELEBRATION

“This is the day that the Lord has made; Let us rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalm 118:24

I deserve to enjoy life and to celebrate every success.

April is a hard month for me. It hasn’t always been, but the last 5 years has seen April taking things from me I never expected to lose. People. Statuses. Perceptions. Realities. And when anniversaries of those things come around remembering to just breathe can become a whole task, let alone getting through each day like the memories of what was and the realities of what is don’t have the power to knock you over like a ton of bricks. How can there possibly be room for celebration in any of that?

And May is my big celebration month. Life is so unfair, right? That I would have to be pulled so low right when I want to prepare for my highs? But it’s a big celebration month for many people as well. Holidays, graduations, beginning of summer, the end of many seasonal depressive moods. People are starting to be happy that haven’t been and here I am wanting to remove myself from everyone and everything and just hide. Is that you? Is that how you respond to your grief? When it smacks you out of no where (and not nowhere because these anniversaries are very real and very looming) do you just want to disappear and not explain anything to anyone because that means being vulnerable… and we don’t ever want to be that, do we (insert the biggest amount of sarcasm you can play in your head)…

This April has been a rollercoaster. Because all those grieving feelings and dark moments and need to disappear has been very real… but it was mixed in with some real celebratory emotions as I make it to milestones. And that has been confusing. That is where I want to sit today, in that confusion. the confusion that comes when there’s an expectation for response and you don’t resonate in those feelings in that moment. When you find yourself smiling and laughing on days that “shouldn’t” produce that. Or you prepare to wallow and reflect and forget to have memorial because something else happens. When you feel like you’re being judged by your response because you didn’t do it like all the others did… when you genuinely feel happiness instead of sadness and that feels wrong. Emotions are tricky, yet valid. And as we affirm today I hope to put some of your uneasiness to rest.

Affirmation 1: I am embracing celebration. You may notice, that many cultures call the memorial or funeral services of someone who is lost the “celebration of life.” It is the embracing and embodying of not just being sad but remembering the good in what is gone. It’s not easy by any means, but what I want you to embrace is that it’s not wrong. It is not wrong to celebrate when a loved one is no longer here, because it doesn’t mean you’re happy about it. It means you know how to appreciate the good with the bad. It is ok to embrace the good memories and times with the bad ones and to lean into joy instead of sorrow. That goes for every sorrowful moment you encounter.

Affirmation 2: Celebration does not mean forgetting. Sometimes we feel guilty for celebrating our good in the midst of everyone else’s bad. I have a very close friend who lost a loved one on my birthday and I always feel a little guilty wanting to laugh or smile with them on that day because I know how painful it must be for them. But they would tell you in a heartbeat that they don’t wish me any ill for being happy on a day I deserve to be happy, and they appreciate that I give even a moment of thought to them when I could be consumed with myself. It is ok to have many emotions happening at once, to feel them all and to give pause where it feels right to do so. As long as you’re respecting what feels right to respect, everything comes out okay in the end.

My favorite folks (yes, that’s y’all believe it or not lol) my prayer for you today is that you are able to embrace the goodness of celebration and the sadness of mourning in your own way and at your own pace. It is okay to celebrate, even when it’s been hard to do so before. The very inkling that you’re ready to be happy and celebrate means it’s time to move forward in life and love and thanksgiving. Celebrate your blessings, your milestones, your memories. Celebrate what was and what will be. Remember the losses with love and respected and humility, but not in a way that makes you feel less than. Always give space to yourself and remember, the only right choice is the one you can live with. I love you, and as always, I’m rooting for you. Keep conquering daily.