The Impossible Choice

Then Saul sent troops to watch David’s house. They were told to kill David when he came out the next morning. But Michal, David’s wife, warned him, “If you don’t escape tonight, you will be dead by morning.” So she helped him climb out through a window, and he fled and escaped. Then she took an idol and put it in his bed, covered it with blankets, and put a cushion of goat’s hair at its head. When the troops came to arrest David, she told them he was sick and couldn’t get out of bed.” 1 Samuel 19:11-14

Have you ever been faced with a choice that means choosing between two things you care for deeply? Maybe it’s choosing between a previous commitment and a brand new opportunity. Or lifelong friend and a new kindred spirit. Or what’s even harder, your family of origin and your family of bond. No matter what the choice, someone is going to feel betrayed with whatever choice you make. Sometimes we choose to make no choice, telling ourselves it has nothing to do with us and they need to figure their issues out for themselves. But is that really not making a choice? One of my favorite lines from Hamilton is “If you stand for nothing, what’ll you fall for?” Who truly benefits from you not telling your truth in a situation and standing for what you believe is right?

Michal, the first wife of David, was faced with this. She had a very difficult choice to make. Her father was at war with her husband. How do you choose between your father and your husband? Your blood and your bond? I can only imagine the conflict she had when deciding what she should do when she was faced with a choice. As a woman of her time, she didn’t have any rights. Her father and husband could do with her whatever they pleased, and Saul was King, giving him the longest reach in the land. So how did she decide who to betray? And how did she live with that choice? The bible tells us (1 Samuel 19:11-14) that she chose her husband over her father and helped David escape. However, when asked why she threw David under the bus and said he threatened her. We don’t know why she chose to do that. Was she afraid Saul would kill her too? Did she hope that David would return for her one day and would forgive the lie? What could have possibly been going through her mind… In the end it didn’t work out very well for her. She was given to another as his wife, David took on other wives, and then when David came to claim her we don’t have any records of real affection towards her… in fact, she never had any children with him. We don’t know the true reason for her barrenness but knowing he had many other wifes its not hard to image he just didn’t have the time for her she once desired from him.

So who wins? If we know the story we know that David goes on to be king and Saul is slain, but what about Michal? She made a choice but didn’t stand strong in it. She was fickle because it was a hard choice to make and let’s face it, she probably would have lost her life. She wouldn’t have been able to keep up with David in the wilderness and Saul would have killed her knowing she actively chose to betray him. Can you imagine the battle in her mind? The Anger she had towards both of them and the Love that was tugging her in both directions? How do you deal with making such an impossible choice? Usually I have at least 3 affirmations for you but today, I’m giving you 1 because I want it to resonate with you.

Affirmation: Self preservation is not wrong. It is not wrong for you to do what is necessary to survive and to protect your peace. Too often we think that it’s wrong to think about ourselves but that’s not the case. Where we go wrong with self preservation is when we place it at the expense of others who have done nothing wrong. That’s what Michal chose. David did not deserve to die at the hand of Saul and neither did she, so she did what she had to do for them both to survive. It is okay for you to survive. It is okay for you to tell people no if it will preserve your mental health. It’s ok for you not to engage in activities that cause you stress or make you overwhelmingly uncomfortable. It’s ok to choose silence or to walk away before you lose your peace. Protect your heart and protect your mind. If no one ever has, I give you permission to choose you today. I love you, keep conquering daily!