I AM RESILIENCE

“I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn over what is going to happen to me, but the world will rejoice. You will grieve, but your grief will suddenly turn to wonderful joy… So you have sorrow now, but I will see you again; then you will rejoice, and no one can rob you of that joy.” John 16: 20, 22

Even when my heart is broken, I know Happiness will return so I press on…

Resilience. One of my greatest qualities, and yet the one that brings me the most angst. I’m going to be honest with you all, I didn’t think I was going to be able to write this week. I experienced the greatest loss I’ve ever known and it has rocked me to my core. I know you can empathize with that. Loss. We all experience it, so I know it doesn’t make me special, but like you when that pain of losing someone you love strikes nothing else in the world seems to exist. Except all the ones who need you to be ok. I have watched over the past 6 days as people were at a loss for what to do for me. They’d never seen me like this. Didn’t know I could be this way. And sometimes I seem fine but then in the next moment I’m saying just give me some space. I guess people didn’t know how to read that, how to support that, or how long they should.

And then there are the ones I can’t let into my world. My clients, my customers, the people I never let see any sign of weakness. The ones who need me most, to be strong. To teach them how to be strong. I let them know that Happiness will return. Right now Sorrow and Confusion and Anger are taking the driver’s seat but when the time is right, Happiness will return. I remind them of the scriptures. I tell them No is a full sentence. I tell them it’s ok to not be ok. And all the while I’m affirming them that it’s ok to make room for their emotions, I’m also speaking to myself because I have been guilty of being too resilient. I’m probably the most guilty. And I know the main reason for it is because my anxiety won’t allow me to be any other way. If I give too much room to my emotions they will spiral out of control and I won’t be any good to anyone. I’ll be paranoid, irritable, angry and desperate all at the same time. And I don’t like that feeling, so I mask.

Yes, I’m being totally transparent with you guys today. I’m letting you see the not so put together side of me in the hopes that it will empower and encourage you to do the same in your life. And as I take these next moments to affirm MYSELF I hope you will be affirmed as well.

Affirmation 1: You don’t have to prove anything to anyone to deserve love. Everyone deserves love. Even the people who seem to be the lowest of the low deserve to experience love. Why? Because God is love, and we all deserve God. Yes we need to be kind, and generous and productive members of society, but even when we fall short, maybe because we fall short, love should always be ours. And because of that we don’t have to be perfect, and we don’t have to give our everything to deserve people caring about us. There is a happiness to be found in that.

Affirmation 2: You don’t have to chase happiness, let it come to you naturally. Happiness is a choice, and I choose not to give up on having it. But right now it’s not what I feel. My world is shattered, my heart is broken, and I have to figure out how to live without the one person I never thought I would lose. That hurts, and this pain isn’t something I can easily shake. And I have to stop trying. I need to allow myself to feel it and allow Happiness to make it’s way back to me naturally. It will return. I am especially reminded of that on this Resurrection Sunday. Jesus told his followers that they would be struck with immediate and intense grief at his leaving, but He was coming back and when He did… utter Joy. God shows up for me, on a regular basis. And I know that when He shows up for me in this pain, it’ll be the comfort that I need to move forward… I don’t have to rush it.

Affirmation 3: I am resilience… but today I’m taking a break. I habitually bounce back sooner than I should because the world seems to stop functioning when I shut down. Life keeps going, but my anxiety and all the people leaning on me won’t allow me to skip a beat or to slow down. I push myself to be better for others, it’s never for myself. And that’s not fair. It’s not fair to me. And it’s not fair to you either if you find yourself doing that. And please also remember, that having an ok moment doesn’t mean you’re ready to move on. Grief is a complicated and confusing process, one minute you’re good and the next you’re not. That’s ok. Keep taking that break.

In the midst of my sorrow there is happiness… and I can embrace it at my own pace.

I thank you all, for allowing me to be so real today. For allowing space for my sorrow, for my pain, and not expecting more from me than I can really give. I hope that my lessons for myself can be helpful for you in your life today. Enjoy this Resurrection Sunday and be grateful for the love of Christ. I am so grateful for it because I know it will allow me to see him again… and to continue the work our soul is destined to fulfill. I love you, and I believe in you. Keep conquering daily.